Some days I feel like I've not been a great person. I forget to check in with friends, raise my voice when speaking with the parents, and just can't empathise with the stories of tragedy that people document on social media. Doing nice things for others feel harder. Or that I've just begun to do it less and less. It's like I don't have any emotional bandwith to deal with all these things anymore. Is this just a natural part of being an adult? It really isn't fun.
Don't worry, I'm not depressed. Just feeling more frustration at loads of things. Work, obviously. Do people really have nothing else to do in their lives but work? Sending an email at 2.30am? Why would you do that to yourself? As I type this I feel a surge of anger rising from my belly. Or is it just confusion? I don't know. What a strange place we're all living in.
The world itself is spinning out of control. Wars breaking out, news about the latest new 'law' Trump has made, inflation growing. There's so much negativity and crazy shit going down. Yet, I feel so powerless and far from it all. I have to admit, some days I just repost stories of the latest death toll of Palestinians from Israel's Gen/cide without feeling anything at all. Detachment is a natural way of coping with a world that has expanded so much beyond our immediate environment. Globalisation makes everything feels like its within reach, but it really isn't.
A couple of months ago, a close friend from London told me their dad got diagnosed with brain cancer. Shit. That was my first reaction. I can't fathom the challenges that their family must be going through. Yet, all I can help with is to offer a listening ear and (virtual) moral support. How would I respond if the same news happened to me? I really have no idea. Life feels so fragile and vulnerable at these moments. Our time on Earth feels insignifcant in the grand scheme of the cosmos. Don't think we're even a needle in a haystack at this point.
2017 feels so long ago. I remember breaking down in school in front of one of my best friends, because I couldn't understand why I'm still studying. I wanted to quit school and join the UN then. Lol. (I don't think the UN would have accepted me back then anyway). But yes, those were strange days when I was still a highly idealistic individual. The same friend told me recently that I've grown so much more pessimistic since coming back, especially since I started working. The strange thing is, that I see it not just in myself, but also in my friends and family. This pervasive, insidious, creeping sense of fatigue, uncertainty, and lack of joy in the things we do.
That sounds crazy dark now that I'm re-reading it again. But it's also one of the prominent points discussed in A Real Pain, a fantastic movie by Jesse Eisenberg. The contrasts between the emotionally numb but highly anxious adult (played by Jesse Eisenberg himself) and the extremely blunt, extroverted yet depressed character (played by Kieran Culkin) are stark. Most adults are like the former; detached from worldly issues and only concerned with their immediate matters. The latter's energetic and honest disposition eventually makes him the more well-liked individual, yet, he hides his own thoughts and feelings to himself. Let me draw an analogy here: most of us start putting up our own snow fences to protect us from the avalanche of thoughts and issues, but those who try to brave the avalanche eventually gets covered and wiped out in the snow. Even if they somehow survive and climb out, the world around them is just white. A snow desert where they can scream and shout all they want, but there's no one there to hear them. Perhaps that's the scary dilemma of adulting: do we want to risk isolating ourselves for feeling emotions or just to live a normal life, but be like the average adult and forget how to feel?
You might think I'm over dramaticising here. Perhaps I am. It's just my interpretation of the film, and my current thoughts as I'm writing this. It might change over time, as it usually does. But I think the point stands that there is a big disconnect between our education system, where we're thought to think for ourselves, our society, our country, and the reality of the adulting world. This 'youthful idealism' present across every nation, every continent, is simply brushed off by most politicians, 'go get some working experience first'. Why bother teaching our kids to 'go change the world' if adults themselves won't even take our kids' opinions seriously? Bit depressing.
If the issues portrayed in the film are anything to go by, how then do we navigate our own feelings towards the world, and avoid being stuck in this precarious dichotomy? I don't have any concrete answers, unfortunately. It's been a difficult few months trying to figure out my goals for the next few years. I'm still nowhere close to having a plan. I'm just 'tiding by', hopefully resting my energy for another new 'exciting' phase of life where I'm actively doing things I want to be doing. What I do know is that sharing and discussing these thoughts with good friends help. I'm glad that my friends have been coming over for tea, and that we still have wholesome and real conversations. So much has been shared about relationships, politics, tea, and life.
One of the more introspective conversations I had was about the drastic differences in living standards between our generation and our parents' generation. The fact that most of us do not have to worry about earning large sums of money, and can even entertain possibilities of venturing somewhere else, is a luxury our parents did not get to enjoy. Call me privileged, but I really don't think that 90% of young Singaporeans (at least if you're reading this) should be so caught up with the idea that it is essential to get a house in Singapore. With the strength of the Singapore Dollar, anyone with a white collar job could easily afford to move abroad, rent or even buy (depending on where, of course) a house, and dive deep into the culture elsewhere. The fact that so few or my friends even consider the fact of living abroad for a few years is food for thought. In the UK, I've met a sizable portion of people who move away to another city or another country for a few years despite having little to no savings. There's not such a strict obsession with having to follow a fixed path to life. Do whatever you have to do, and try to do the things you want to.
Life really isn't easy, no matter where you are. That's the most cruel fact about adulting. Everyone has their own struggles. Just make sure you give yourself ample rest, be more in-tuned with your thoughts and emotions, and try to think optimistically. Trust in yourself, and perhaps better moments will come by. Maybe the impact we'll make on the world will be larger than the tiny speck of our fragile existence on Earth. That would be an achievement. So what's next for me? I still don't know even after writing this piece. But one thing's for sure: I feel a little better, and more at peace. I hope you do too.
Music of choice: The Creek Drank the Cradle (Full Album), Iron & Wine
And the sound of rain...
Comments
Post a Comment