How many times have you felt like you really wanted to do something, but could never push yourself to take the step? 'Oh, it's too hard' or 'I'm afraid to hurt someone else's feelings' are some common excuses we come up for ourselves. I understand, I do that all the time. It's easy to confine ourselves to the bubble which we are already so familiar with. Yet, how often do we take the proactive step to pop the bubble?
It's certainly scary. We've been taught to always have a plan, to be considerate of others' feelings, and to not embarrass ourselves. In the highly judgemental society we live in, almost everyone's afraid of being judged in one way or another. Not just for our external appearance, but the things we do too. The truth is, we all are probably being judged when we're out in public. But should we really care so much about what others think?
A couple of months ago, I watched Jesse Eisenberg's A Real Pain, a fantastically written movie that brought up so many emotions within me. Kieran Culkin's character was an extrovert who would say anything that came to his mind, while the director himself played a nerdy character suffering from OCD and eternal anxiety. While the former appeared eccentric, he was eventually much more well-liked than the latter. Certainly seemed to suggest that honest and direct comments are much more valued than nicely phrased, politically-correct statements. There's just too much PC in our lives. Whereas honest and cut-throat comments are much rarer.
Friends who tell you honestly what they think are actually the friends you want to keep around. It takes a lot of courage to bring up a difficult conversation knowing the other party won't like it. This is particularly tough when you know that they might not take it well. If you feel it's important enough to raise the point, then it has to be done. The caveat is, obviously, that there is a fine line between an honest feedback and straight out making a targetted comment. Carefully thinking through what you are going to say is not emphasised often enough.
There's also another important difference to raise: Being courageous is often conflated with being aggressive. Courageous actions could certainly be aggressive, but not all aggressive actions are courageous. One of my friends called out an uncle on the MRT as racist for shouting bigotry at some foreign workers. No one else on the train stood up to the uncle. Most were probably too busy on their phones or just thought 'it's none of my business'. The uncle eventually stood down. Was this aggressive? Yes. Was this courageous? Yes. We don't have to be afraid to stand up (aggressively) for what you believe is right.
Here's another quote from Pooh.
Saying sorry takes a huge load of courage. When you know you've done something wrong, and it has offended someone else. It isn't an easy thing to acknowledge that we could and should have been better. I've been on both sides of the coin. When I'm the 'wronged' party, I'm ready to forgive the other person should they apologise honestly. I don't like holding grudges. When I'm the 'offending' party, it does take a long time for me to think about how I want to apologise. And it definitely isn't easy to say sorry, either through text or in person.
Can we build up our courage? I can't speak for everyone, but I think it starts from the physical challenges. I always used to be fearful of trying something new, like taking a roller coaster or jumping down a cliff. There's always the risk that something bad might happen to you. It's hard not to brush something off as reckless and just forgo it. It takes a lot of building up your own comfort levels, and knowing how much more you can push. This coming new year, perhaps instead of setting concrete resolutions, try doing one thing that scares you. Whatever that may be.
There was once in 2018 when I went to swim in the open sea in St John's island. We were pretty far out from the beach, and then my friend told me to look at something cool under the seabed. I (admittedly very stupidly) forgot that I didn't like opening my eyes underwater without goggles, and panicked. Some very rapid anxious breaststrokes and rapid breathing and I was thankfully back near the shore. This experience has since remained with me, and I still feel a slight panic whenever I can't touch the sand/ground when I'm swimming, even in deeper pools.
I've been working on this, but it is still very much a work in progress! Trying to go shorter distances in a deeper pool, and taking a few longer strokes out from the safety of the edge of the pool. It's all about building up oy own comfort levels, and a lot of 'psyching' my own mind that I'm perfectly safe and in no danger in the pool. It's also important to be kind to yourself. I sometimes lose patience with why my mind is triggering this flight or fight response, but that only makes it worse. Whereas the other days when I'm more accepting of the way my body functions, I tend to perform better. Anyway, I digress.
My personal experience is that we all need some time to talk to ourselves, to build up that courage to say something. The last spur to do or say something courageous usually comes instantaneously from a trigger, but that only happens after I think about it for some time. There's this nagging feeling where something doesn't sit right. And that's when, maybe, I should say something about it.
I implore you, to take courage, even if its just a little dose, to do something different. To put yourself in a position where you feel something that makes you uncomfortable, be it fear, anger, or sadness. It doesn't have to be anything grand. The smallest actions take the most courage.
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Music of choice: 杨乃文 《推开世界的门》- Thought it's a very fitting song. Sorry to my non-chinese speaking friends, gotta use AI or translate lol. My translation is not the best. Here's the lyrics, if you're interested, and the interpretation:
推开世界的门，你是站在门外怕迟到的人
捧着一颗不懂计较的认真，
吻过你的眼睛就无畏的青春。
左右的泥啊，右手的泥啊，知己的花衣裳。
世界本该是你醒来的模样。
左眼的悲伤，右眼的倔强，看起来都一样
原来你就是我自负的胆量。
推开世界的门，你是站在门外最孤单的人捧着一颗不懂计较的认真，
路过你的时候，时间多残忍。
左手的泥啊，右手的泥啊，知己的花衣裳。
世界本该是你诚实的模样。
左眼的悲伤，右眼的倔强，看起来都一样，
原来你就是我走失的地方。
年少的轻狂，迟暮的伤都等着被她原谅，
原来你就是我赎罪的渴望。
年少的轻狂，迟暮的伤都等着被她原谅，
原来你就是我回去的地方 。
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